Gratitude Journal #1: Golden Colors

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Today, I am grateful for beautiful, golden colors. The gorgeous color has the ability to make me smile and lift my spirit.

Yesterday, I read an article in Enrich magazine about the importance of gratitude. According to the article, despite the many struggles in our life, it is important to feel thankful of the things in our life, no matter how small, that make us happy. It brings out the positivity in our life and it will at least keep us sane enough so that we can continue our journey. The author suggested to create a gratitude journal and to write about the little things or big things that make us happy, even for a short bit. In the sea of our sorrow, keeping a gratitude journal will allow us to see God’s beautiful gifts in our everyday lives. It will make us realize that our life, after all, is not that pathetic.

I realize that’s what’s I’ve been losing these days, the ability to be grateful. I have been so focused on working to get by that the meaning of it all has been lost on me. When the meaning of life gets lost, life becomes really tiring and stressful. It has psychosomatic manifestations, too. It lowers my immune system and makes me sick. So, I decided to snap out of my melodrama, and I shall keep a gratitude journal to remind myself of the beauty in my life. Unfortunately, I no longer remember the name of the author, but whoever he/she is, his/her empowering words create a lasting impact.

Endless Running

I have been living like a zombie ever since my sister-in-law died last December (2015). She died after giving birth to twins. Back then, as I alternate with my older brother in taking care of my sister-in-law and the babies, adrenaline kept us going. It’s like running after something, running after a life that was fast expiring. Running to preserve lives that are just beginning to breathe.

Five years ago, I remembered the day that my oldest brother (Bersan) told me that he’s living with Thess. Always the worry-wart, I told him not to. I told him that he wasn’t ready yet. But, he went with it anyway. (That’s the thing that you have to remember with men, they will ask you for advice that they will never really follow.) Yet, I was happy as I see him happy with the family that he’s creating, as I see him try so hard to become a good husband and a good father. But then, I didn’t know my words five years ago would come true like this. During the second pregnancy, Thess delivered twin babies and died a few weeks after. While everyone was celebrating Christmas, my brother had become a widow and a father of three children. At that moment, we know that me, my other brother (Hermison), and my mother will need to help.

Ever since then, I never stopped running, working to meet a deadline or to do the job as it needed to be done. I’m always chasing after the next gig that will allow me to help in buying milk and diapers for my newly-born nephews and to pay for the bills. It didn’t help either that things weren’t exactly falling into place, as I see the things I pinned my hope into gets delayed and crumbles before my very eyes. And in that chase, I lost myself.

Reclaiming the Sense of Peace

Actually, there are moments of happiness; friends getting out of their way to make me feel happy, a family who dotes on me to make me feel comfortable, Rupert dancing in happiness and hugging me so tight whenever I come home, innocent smiles and wholehearted trust of little babies that make me feel special. Yet, after the instance of happiness, restless thoughts and worries enveloped me like a blanket, extinguishing happiness fast. There was a time when I was at peace and I laugh freely. That had been how I dealt with all the pakikipagsapalaran in life. But nowadays, even that sense of peace is slowly dissolving.

When the peace goes away, even the only thing I could do best in life, goes away, too. I could never write when sickness takes over the body. I could never write when my mind and my heart are full of chaos. And if that happens continously, I’d really lose myself.

I don’t want that to happen. So, I need to slap the drama out of me, force my body to move, and get the creative juices flowing. And I need to get my sense of peace again. I hope the gratitude journal will help me with that. This way, I could deal with life better and accept rejections & delays more gracefully. It will also allow me to look into possibilities that never occurred to me before and to laugh at life freely again.

Moments of Happiness

In truth, I know the priceless contribution of the kids in our lives. Somehow, the children have the ability to keep my brothers out of trouble and into the right direction in life. Me and my oldest brother has a pact, one of those serious conversations that we tend to have more now that we’re adults. I told him that the moment he stops being a father to his children is the moment that I will stop being a sister to him. He understands the meaning of that statement. He’s doing his best to become a father right now and so I am being a sister and an aunt to our three angels.

The children also have the ability to keep my mother truly and genuinely happy. She has been through a lot raising the three of us, and now raising another three children. Me and Kuya Hermison have jokingly promised Mama that we will build a mansion in the middle of an island for her. There, she could nag all she wants and be a certified donya. However, it seems that dream is still far from reality. So, I’m quite satisfied to see her genuinely happy as the babies laugh innocently at her. Also, Mama did raise a family that, when the hell breaks loose, is there for each other. She has the right to boast about it all she wants.

And today, I have these beautiful golden colors in my fingers.  They twinkle and it’s enough to make my heart flutter. And yes, I guess now I could write again.

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